I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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