if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
