I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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