wrigley field is MILF paradise
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
