you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
