Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
one two three fourrrrnication!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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