i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
