Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
