Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I love having hate sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
