i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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