Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
