I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
