I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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