You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
