my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
