He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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