we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
