plz talk dirty to me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
