You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
