i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
