I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
