I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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