halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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