i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
