So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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