I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
soo... how was my night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
