The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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