Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
