You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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