we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
