i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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