I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i've created a new STD.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Bring me that man meat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
