Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
