This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
