I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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