So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
