before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
