I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let's get the cat blown out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
