this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
