so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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