I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
