I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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