I faked an abortion last night.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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