im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
