Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
