the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
