my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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