TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
