So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
my liver is dry heaving
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
