I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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